NOTE: Beacuse Left 4 Dead 2 technically has no script just a random phrase or quote said now or then, this technically isn't a transcript, but a list of assorted quotes used only in that certain campaign.

Coach Edit

The HighwayEdit

  • "Whispering Oaks! Shit, I used to go there as a kid!"
Nick: "Oh, good. Now we can die there as adults."
  • "Ellis, that was some good driving."
  • "Look at those lights to the left! They're having a party!"
  • "Well now, if we're picking directions, I say head towards the spinning lights."
  • "Ain't no way to drive around this mess, let's walk it."
  • "One place is as good as the next when you're dead."
  • "Ah hell, those lights are an amusement park!"
  • "Jesus Christ, that's a Ferris wheel lit up."
  • "Let's head to the amusement park, ain't like we have anywhere else to go."
  • "Looks like people were heading towards Whispering Oaks."
  • "We ain't the only ones that thought to take this short-cut."
  • "Hm. Lights on, but nobody's home."
  • "Well, nobody but the zombies."
  • "We gotta cross the valley."
  • "[Laughing] It's not funny. You could really hurt yo--[Laughs harder] Nah, it is funny!"
  • "Whao, watch that first step, baby."

The Fairgrounds Edit

  • "Look, let's just find the corndog stand and hold out there."

[ Upon seeing a cotton candy stall in Dark Carnival ] "Cotton candy, the wise pharaoh of food, sittin' a top the food pyramid, passing judgment on all the lesser foods."

[ Upon seeing the stalls in the Dark Carnival ] "Elephant ears, funnel cakes, corndogs; man these signs are bringing back some memories."

  • "I find a Burger Tank in this place and I'mma be a one-man cheeseburger apocalypse."
  • "I was a lil' peanut riding these. This here was my favorite."
  • "That peanut's got crazy eyes. They FOLLOW you."
  • "Hey, hey, man...can't go down the slide without your sack."
  • [ Upon reaching the switch to the gate ] "Alright, this is gonna open the gate and what the hell else?"

Nick: "You know what I think its gonna activate everything else around here." [ Upon seeing the height requirement at the carousel ] "You must be this tall to ride. Well least there won't be no Jockeys in there."

Nick: "Nope. Just lots and lots of Tanks."
  • "You must be this tall to ride. Sorry, Ellis."
  • "Man, I loved this place as a kid."
  • "Come on, get into the Tunnel of Love."
  • [ Upon seeing the Safe House in the Tunnel of Love ] "Get yo' ass in the Tunnel of Love!"

Nick: "Tunnel of Love, Jesus Christ!"

The Coaster Edit

  • "Hey. No smoochin', y'all."
  • "Well, looks like we're going through the Tunnel of Love, people. Stay close to me."
Nick: "I'd think I like to clarify what constitutes 'close'."
  • [ In the Tunnel of Love ] "Back in the day, I had some POSTERS that would look good in this light."
  • [ Walking through the Tunnel of Love ] "I don't remember the Tunnel of Love bein' this long! I musta had something else on my mind."
  • "Hm. Shit. First time I ever couldn't wait to get out of the Tunnel of Love."
  • "Running the Screaming don't that beat all..."
  • "This is some crazy ass world we live in now."
  • "No, this ain't gonna be cool. You ain't right in the head boy."
  • "Through the bumper cars!"

The Barns Edit

  • "We got to get into the stadium."
  • "There's the Peach Bowl!"
  • "I hear somethin' go on in there!"
  • "If we can get on the monorail, we can jump the fence."
  • "We need to get on the monorail."
  • "Everybody go, go, go. Onto the monorail."
  • "Into the dumpster."
  • "Rochelle, you gotta find another window, this here is the men's room."

The Concert Edit

  • [ The beginning at the Safe House ] "Alright, heres the plan. Y'all know the Midnight Riders? They're gonna save us."
  • Ellis: "I hate to break it to ya Coach, but I don't think they're actually here."
  • Coach: "We'll set off their finale and the chopper gotta know something's up. And nobody, and I mean NOBODY has the bigger light show than the Midnight Riders."
  • Nick: "Coach, that is the stupidest idea I've ever agreed with."
  • Coach: "Alright then, everybody grab a weapon and let's move!"
  • "There's the stage."
  • "Lip-syncing old ass bitches, they got a tape back here."
  • "Well ain't this a bitch, they got a tape for their music. To think I used to like these guys."
  • Nick: "Sorry to break it to you Coach, but your heroes lip-sync. There's a tape back here
  • 'Finale'."
  • Coach: "No, they're just saving their voices for the studio, Nick. That's SMART."
  • [ When standing in front of the microphone with a guitar at the Finale ] Every lady's crazy when her daddy's not around, na na na na na na na na! Gotta reach for the top, stay on the mountain, na na na na na na na na!
  • "I forget how much I love this song!"

Ellis Edit

  • [ Beginning of Dark Carnival ] "Sorry folks. This car is capable of miracles, but it can't drive over 20 miles of parked cars. I think we're walkin'."
  • [ Beginning of Dark Carnival ] "Hey guys, can I get a minute? Alone. With the car. I got some things I want to say."
[ To the stock car ] "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever sat between... I love you..."
  • Nick: “I hate to be the bearer of bad news guys, but unless Ellis knows how to build a monster truck, we ain't driving through this."
Ellis: "Sorry guys, guess this wasn’t such a hot idea after all."
Nick: “Goddamn you, Jimmy Gibbs Jr.!” [Alternate Line] "Don't sweat it, Ellis, at least you got us out of that mall."
Ellis: “Now that’s not cool, Nick.” [Alternate Line] "Now that was just uncalled for. Serious."
  • "Dude, if we had my monster truck we could drive over all this."
  • [ After shooting several stuffed elephants ] "I think I might win somethin'..."
  • "Into the swan maintenance room of love!"
  • "Into the blasted out hole of love!"
  • [(Rarely) In the air conditioning duct] "From what I know of video games theres gonna be somethin cool in here."
  • "From what I know of video games, Vent Crawlin' is a good thing."
  • [ Upon seeing the sign leading into Kiddie Land ] "Check it out - Kiddie Land!"
  • [ Upon seeing the sign leading into Kiddie Land ] "Holy SHIT guys, KIDDIE LAND!"
Coach: "I swear, doesn't it sometimes feel like we're babysitting?"
Rochelle: Well, he is making the best of a bad situation.
Nick: "He's like a five year old with guns. And a comprehensive grasp of every swear word in the English language."
Rochelle: "I wish I could be that happy... Oh, to hell with it! WHOOO, KIDDIE LAND!"
  • "Ain't nobody been swimmin' in this pool for a while."
  • "Dude, they got the park all lit up!"
  • "People got to be in that park."
  • "Coach, you're breathing a little hard. You okay?"
  • "Look at those poor people. All they wanted to do was go for a swim."
  • "I never once thought a merry-go-round would turn on me."
  • "I mean, what is this world coming to when you dread a merry-go-round?"
  • "Can we stop and make some cotton candy? Seriously."
  • "I saw 'em in '07. Front row center! Lost both my eyebrows."
  • "I heard you can see the show from SPACE!"
  • "I heard they have to cancel the show if there's a breeze, 'cause any town downwind'll catch on fire!"
  • "Stay on That Mountain! First single off their Ten Past Midnight album. I love that song."
  • "Uh, yeah, they're a pretty big deal, alright."
  • "Man, would you look at all these rides? And no LINES! Wish we weren't in such a hurry."
  • "It's like we bought the park and got every ride to ourselves! That's the third thing I was gonna do if I ever won the lottery."
  • "I wanna ride one! Just one! Just lemme ride the Screaming Oak once. Man, when we ever gonna be here again?"
  • "Man, how can you not like Li'l Peanut? I love this little guy!"
  • "You guys are jaded. I used to have his toys when I was just bite-sized. That little stuffed peanut was the best friend a boy could have."
  • "One thing video games have taught me, good shit always comes in vents."
  • "A little vent crawlin'."
  • [ When entering the Tunnel of Love ] "Dang, look at Nick's jacket."
  • "This ain't that kinda ride, Nick. [Whispering] This is where you make out with your girlfriend."
  • "We have to run The Coaster? Holy shit, it's Christmas!"
  • "Aw man, that's the Screaming Oak!"
  • "Chk-chk-chk-chk"
  • "What next? Dinosaurs flying down from the sky and shooting lasers out of their eyes?"
  • [ After Coach explains the plan in Stage 5 ] "So we gotta set up to rock and then fight zombies? This is the best day of my life!"
  • "And that'll signal the chopper pilot! Man, this is gonna be like the...fourth time the Midnight Riders have saved my life!"
  • [ When standing in front of the microphone ] "Every lady's crazy when her daddy's not around... Gotta reach for the top, stay on the mountain... Check one, check two."
  • "I always wanted to run to a helicopter during a guitar solo! Just like in a music video!"

Nick Edit

  • [ At the start of the Dark Carnival ] "I hate to be the bearer of bad news guys, but unless Ellis knows how to build a monster truck, we AIN'T driving through this."
Ellis: "Sorry, guys. I guess my idea wasn't so hot after all."
Nick: "Don't sweat it, Ellis. At least you got us out of that mall."
[Alternate Line] "Goddamn you, Jimmy Gibbs Jr.!"
Ellis: "That's not cool Nick." [Alternate Line] "Now that was uncalled for. Serious."
  • "I think our options are keep moving down the road towards those lights or die here. Anyone in the "die here" camp? No? Then let's move out."
  • [ After Coach comments on having gone to Whispering Oaks as a child ] "Oh, good. Now we can die there as adults."
  • [ On The Highway ] "These abandoned cars go on for miles!"
Coach: "Maybe they left em' when they got rescued."
Nick: "That' theory."
  • [ Upon noticing the burned bodies in the pool at the motel in The Highway ] "*whistles* Those people SUCKED at high diving."
  • [ Upon seeing the pool in The Highway ] "They're not kidding when they say no lifeguards on duty."
  • [ While going down the hill in the first chapter ] "Whoa, shit!"
  • [ After going down the hill in the first chapter and Ellis makes a comment about going downhill being "fun" ] "Falling and breaking my neck is not fun, Ellis."
  • [While looking at the Lil' Peanut cutout in Dark Carnival ] "I do not like that little peanut man."
Ellis: "Man, how can you not like Lil' Peanut? I love this little guy!"
  • "Anybody else find this peanut thing a little terrifying?"
  • [ Before The Fairgrounds Crescendo event ] "You gotta be this tall to get in here, Ellis. Sorry, buddy. You'll be missed."
Ellis: "Ha ha. Aren't you the comedian."
  • "Nice fencing. Looks like a federal carousel penitentiary."
  • "A fenced-in carousel. Is this where they took child prisoners on day trips?"
  • [ Upon seeing the switch to the Crescendo Event ] " We need to turn on this power to open the gate. You know what i think its gonna activate everything else around here."
  • [ In the second Safe Room in Dark Carnival ] "Why couldn't I have been in Vegas when the Infection hit, or even Atlantic City? Instead, I'm trapped in some goddamn hillbilly tunnel of love."
  • "Did you see the sign out front? Cousins-only day today."
  • "This is the most relaxing safe room i've ever been in"
  • [ In the beginning of the Tunnel of Love ] "You finally got your wish, Ellis. We're in an amusement park ride."
Ellis: "This ain't that kind of ride, Nick. [Whispering] This is where you make out with your girlfriend."
[Alternative Line] "Bringing back any memories, Coach? You, a cheeseburger, romance in the air..."
Coach: "How many tunnel of love memories YOU got, Nick?"
Nick: "Pfft. Huh. Several. Easily."
  • [ While moving through the Tunnel of Love in The Coaster ] "You could almost call this a cement river, Ellis!"
Ellis: "Yeah, very funny." [ Alternate Line ] "Ha, ha, ha."
  • "Into the swan maintenance room of love!"
  • "This is the longest tunnel of love I've ever seen!"
  • "That got us around the block."
  • [ In the air duct shortcut ] "Well, this isn't very romantic."
  • [ Running on the tracks during The Coaster ] "These Infected do NOT respect lines!"
  • "Thank God this doesn't do a loop."
  • "I hate roller coasters."
  • "Make sure to call out if you get pulled."
  • [ At the start of The Concert ] Coach: "Holy shit! It's the Midnight Riders!"
  • Nick: "Never heard of them, they any good?"
  • Coach: "Well hell yeah. I have ALL of the albums, even their new stuff that ain't no good."
  • [ In response to Coach's plan ] "Coach, that is the stupidest idea I've ever agreed with"
  • [ Beginning of Dark Carnival's Finale ] "I know I'm going to regret this, but turn it up!"
  • "Okay, we'll set off the pyrotechnics, but I'm telling you right now. I AM NOT GOING TO AIR GUITAR."
  • "I think I know how to start the finale; hit the button labeled 'Finale'."
  • "When I hit this tape, it's gonna blare some old people's rock music and start the finale. Get ready."
  • "Coach, when I start this finale, you aren't gonna start dancing are you? Ahh, screw it, I'm hitting it."
  • "If you have any taste, cover your ears. I'm starting the finale."
  • "Hit the flash bangs!"
  • "I think the copter pilot wants us to turn it down."
  • "Ellis, I'm sorry to ruin your day, but I think your heroes are lip-singers. There's a button here labeled 'Finale'."
  • [ After seeing the helicopter in The Concert ]
  • "Coach, you're a genius! This worked!"
  • "It worked! I love you, Coach!"
  • "Great, following shiny lights in the sky. We're like freaking cats and a laser pointer."

Rochelle Edit

  • "Umm, guys, this is the lady's room."
Nick: "Excuse me." / "Don't look at me like that."
  • "This is the most relaxing safe room I have ever been in."
  • "Gee, my bedroom was painted like blue...I think maybe my dad wanted a boy..."
  • [ Figuring out Coach's plan involving the Midnight Riders ] "...And that will signal the chopper! Coach, that's BRILLIANT! ...I'm sorry about all the bad things I said about your crappy band..."
  • [ Moving through an air duct beside the Tunnel of Love ] "Ah, the air duct of love."
  • [ Seeing the rescue chopper arrive at the finale ] "Coach, you are the smartest man alive!"

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